📜 Report from Trollandia
About the troll who got lost in the city and cried because he wanted to return to the forest trolls
Location: The city (exact location unknown, everywhere looked the same)
Time: As always – too late
Reporting unit: A random bureaucrat who couldn’t do anything anyway
Report content
At an unspecified hour, a troll was observed sitting on a curb between a café and an advisory office for matters that will never be resolved. The troll was clearly lost. He held a city map that explained nothing, and a phone with no signal of conscience.
The troll was crying.
These were not demonstrative or media tears.
They were forest tears – heavy and old, the kind that fall on moss, not on pavement.
When asked what he was looking for, he replied:
– Trees. Silence. Normal forest trolls. The kind who don’t ask “why”, but know “when”.
The troll complained that in the city:
- everything is labeled, but nothing makes sense,
- people and trolls walk fast without knowing where to,
- everyone speaks, but no one listens,
- and the forest is treated as seasonal decoration.
Asked why he had come to the city, the troll answered after a long pause:
– They told me the future is here.
Then he added quietly:
– I only wanted the present beneath a spruce.
Actions taken
No actions were taken.
A return-to-the-forest form was proposed in three copies: one to be lost, one returned, and one to wait indefinitely.
The troll did not fill out the form.
He rolled up the city map, wiped his nose on his sleeve, and said:
– I remember the way to the forest. I just have to stop listening to the signs.
Then he walked toward where the asphalt grew thinner and the silence thicker.
In the city, it was concluded that the troll failed to adapt.
The forest concluded that the troll survived.
🏅 The Fjord Order of Calm and Sacred Laziness
Happening in Trollandia
In Trollandia, history once again writes itself — slowly, with breaks for a nap and a cup of hot moss brew. After stormy meetings (interrupted by snoring), the Great Council of Trolls has created a new and exceptional award: The Fjord Order of Calm and Sacred Laziness.
The award is given to trolls who, in times of bureaucratic chaos and digital desperation, manage to preserve holy calm and good spirits — even when forms disappear and officials reply after two years… if at all.
🪵 Category I: “Holy calm in the face of bureaucratic stupidity”
“He didn’t reply to the letter because he knew nothing would come of it anyway.”
For heroic silence toward offices that can talk a lot but accomplish nothing.
🐌 Category II: “Patience with electronic systems”
“He clicked three times, nothing happened – and he’s still alive.”
For supratroll patience with systems that were supposed to be “simple and user-friendly”, yet turned out to be a test of character and nerves.
The ceremony will take place in the Grotto of Administrative Hopelessness, and the laureates will receive:
- a grey stone medal,
- a holy blanket of calm (made of moss and troll fur),
- and the right to take a legal nap during office hours.
🗞️ Trollposten reports that the first candidates have already been submitted, but the registration system crashed. The ceremony will be postponed indefinitely.
✍️ Prepared by: Chief Chronicler of Trollandia – Szybcik
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
🚫 Note: The Government of Trollandia has no say. The decision is final and protected by the Clause of Holy Calm.
📝 EXTRAORDINARY REPORT NO. 241 / 2025
Location: Trollandian Forest – Northern Fjord
Date: An autumn morning, before the fog had time to escape
📌 Incident
A strange iron creature on wheels entered the peaceful Trollandian forest — long, red, and noisy. It looked like a cross between a giant box and the roar of a herd of ibexes. Hidden trolls watched, increasingly astonished, as the creature clumsily tried to manoeuvre between the trees.
The creature did not know the paths of Trollandia. Instead of turning at the Wise Oak, it went straight… and with a loud splash landed in the fjord. Steam rose from the water along with a flock of gulls, who decided they had found a new tourist attraction.
🌲 Forest-Fjord Patrol Comment
“We don’t know this species, but it looks friendly. Just moves foolishly. Probably a specimen from the Human World that got lost during migration.”
🧭 Actions
- The trolls placed a sign: “Do not feed, do not scare, it will float out on its own”.
- Two young trolls tried to ride the machine but concluded there wasn’t enough moss and the seats were too hard.
📜 Case Status
The bus is still standing in the fjord, staring at the mountains. It seems confused. Trolls plan to organise school trips to show the young ones what “outsiders from the Human World” look like.
✍️ Prepared by: Chief Chronicler of Trollandia – Szybcik
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
📣 Happening in Trollandia – Special Report
🧭 Visionaries with a paper map sailed… upstream
Date: Trollandian Calendar, Day of the Great Directionless Surge
Location: Hall of Great Stamps and the Reverse-Current Fjord
Reported by: The Confused Trollandian People
Received by: The “Trollposten” Editorial Office
📌 Incident
Prime Minister Egotroll, a self-proclaimed climate visionary, decided to wait for no one — not even the Troll-European Union. Together with his loyal Bombetroll, he embarked on a grand expedition… on a paper map.
The map was so large it filled half the hall, and so unreadable that even the ancient Strategic Oak couldn’t find north. But this didn’t stop the Prime Minister, who solemnly pointed into empty space and declared:
“This is the way! We won’t be like the Union — we’ll be faster!”
The audience froze. Bombetroll stamped the document immediately, before anyone could question where the “way” was supposed to lead.
🧌 Actions & Effects
- The map was laid out on the table, then instantly curled like a snake and jumped into the fjord.
- Egotroll and Bombetroll leapt onto a makeshift raft.
- Armed with a stamp and a megaphone, they pushed upstream, waving the map like a banner of progress.
- The river flowed one way. They — the other.
- Trolls on the bank asked: “Do they know the fjord ends in a waterfall?”
📜 Editorial Comment
It’s hard not to admire such determination. Few manage to sign a climate agreement before the Union pulls out of it — and even fewer do so with such flair. And without a map.
Egotroll and Bombetroll are already being called “pioneers of the upstream movement”. Rumour has it they may soon plan to build a bridge where no one wants to cross.
📝 Case Status
The nation yawns and watches. The Union withdraws from its plans, other countries search for exits, and Trollandia… drifts on. On a raft. With a map that dissolved.
✍️ Prepared by: Chief Chronicler of Trollandia – Szybcik
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
🚫 Note: The Trollandian Water Guard takes no responsibility for the flow direction.
SPECIAL REPORT FROM TROLLANDIA
“Operation Treasure”
Confidential document – for internal trollocratic circulation only!
📍 Location: Government Grotto beneath Trollfossen Waterfall
🕖 Date: Third day after the new moon, known as Sorcerer’s Wednesday
🛑 Topic: Threat of Trollandia being absorbed into the European Union
🗣️ Session Summary
The meeting opened with a dramatic speech from Prime Minister Egotroll who – with a glued-on smile – announced that “the international political climate is favourable” and that “Trollandia should consider deepening its relations with the Union”.
This was met with groans, grumbling, and one loud protest-thump (from Rättferdtroll). Skjoldtroll threw an axe at the map, while Kulturfjern fainted at the word “euro”.
⚖️ Government Decision: launch of “Operation Treasure”
After a unanimous vote (except for Egotroll, who voted “yes” twice – for himself and himself again), the government resolved to take extraordinary measures to protect Trollandia’s national assets. Goal: hide everything the EU might desire.
📦 Operation Details
🍄 Mushrooms – Trollandia’s strategic export:
- Buried under moss and lichen.
- The oldest porcini received fake certificates reading “Inedible”.
🐟 Fish – cod, salmon, even herring:
- Escaped into hidden underground rivers.
- Given sunglasses and fake moustaches.
🦌 Deer – symbol of Trollandian freedom:
- Evacuated to the Valley of Silent Murmur.
- Antlers replaced with IKEA plastic replicas.
🛢️ Oil and gas – the final line of defence:
- Packed into old troll-soda bottles and buried deep underground.
- Access code: tap three times with a horn and mutter “EU yuck”.
💰 Gold and coins:
- Scattered among rock crevices and sealed with runes.
- Each coin screams “Leave me!” when touched by an EU official.
👨👩👧👦 Social Actions
Barntrollmor opened a “Patriotic Crying School”. Grøntmøkk urges everyone to “stop exporting manure – we’ll need it ourselves”, and Miljødød admitted that global warming is mostly caused by heated troll emotions.
🪧 Voice of the People
- “We will not be eaten by euro-soup!” – shouted the crowd.
- “Want the Union? Go to Finland!” – added old Trollhild.
📜 Conclusion
The map of Trollandia was buried beneath the Tree of Ten-Thousand Mosses. Egotroll was sent on a “diplomatic vacation” to Lake Trolltjern. Rumours say his GPS was replaced with one that always leads in circles.
Operation “Treasure” continues. Trolls are vigilant. Fish remain silent. Oil does not leak.
✍️ Prepared by: Chief Chronicler of Trollandia – Szybcik
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
📡 Trollandian Weather Forecast – Report No. 3045
From the Office of Ambitious Meteorological Expectations
Date: Tuesday, third week of continuous weather-related disappointment
Source: Trollvision 24, channel “The Sun Is Coming – Please Wait Patiently!”
🧌 Weather Situation
According to various respected institutions and climate shamans, Trollandia was supposed to be a dry paradise full of palm trees, sunbeds, and sunbathing troll maidens. Instead:
- Temperatures remain at the “brrr” level, locally changing to “wet and pointless”.
- One troll did spot the sun — but only on his phone. It was an all-inclusive holiday ad for Spain.
🏖️ Social Effects
- Trolls placed pools and inflatable mattresses outside in the snow. They froze solid.
- 540 litres of sunscreen were purchased. All of it was used to grease sleds.
- The Council of Eldertrolls suspects that global warming was kidnapped by the European Union and is being held under a conference table in Brussels.
🧊 Emergency Actions
- The Ministry of Climate and Warming called for a sun dance on a slippery rock — resulting in seven bruises and one revelation (a troll saw the shadow of the sun for a moment).
- A patrol was sent into the forest to search for “hidden UV rays that must be hiding somewhere”.
🌫️ Forecast for the Coming Days
The fog will remain on duty until further notice. The sun has confirmed attendance at the event “Summer 2026”, but has not yet arrived. The northern wind has announced inspections of troll hats, and the rain… continues doing what rain does.
✍️ Prepared by: Chief Chronicler of Trollandia – Szybcik
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
🌦️ The Office of Ambitious Meteorological Expectations reminds you: dreams of sunshine cannot be submitted as complaints.
TROLLANDIAN WEATHER LIVE – REPORT NO. 3046
🌀 TROLLANDIAN WEATHER LIVE – REPORT NO. 3046
Live from Trollvision 24 – straight from the “Sunny Hope” weather studio!
🧌 Host: Weather-Troll Gammel Yr – known for being wrong for 134 years, but always with confidence.
📺 Broadcast Excerpt
Gammel Yr (troll meteorologist) stands before a large map of Trollandia, pointing at a massive cloud shaped like an EU star:
“As we can see, from the west approaches a front of disappointed expectations, followed by low pressure and high firewood prices…”
Around Fiordgryt there is still no sun, but a surprise shower has appeared… of climate brochures! In the Nordrøyk region, some mood improvement is possible – if trolls stop checking the forecast.
On screen appears a message:
“Weather sponsored by the Green Deal and unfulfilled promises.”
🧊 Weather Situation
- Still cold and wet, with a chance of “mild meteorological hysteria”.
- In Trollberg, trolls lit their grills… indoors.
- In the mountains, snowfall from last year was recorded – “it got up and fell again”.
🔮 Forecast for Tomorrow
“Tomorrow we expect a flow of warm words from the south, which will not warm anyone. In the forest: fog, moisture, and philosophical questions about the meaning of global warming.”
✍️ Prepared by: Chief Chronicler of Trollandia – Szybcik
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
🌦️ The editorial office reminds you: any improvement in weather is accidental and not covered by warranty.
📡 TROLLANDIAN INSTITUTE OF WEATHER PROPHECIES (TIPP)
REPORT NO. 87/25 – “WHERE IS THE SUN?”
Date: 3 June, Troll Year 8998
Location: Trollandia, Valley of Wet Socks
🗣️ Statement from the Chief Meteorologist
“Sun rays were most likely stopped at the EU border.”
— Fluidbarometer Dugg-Trollsen, Chief Troll Meteorologist
🌧️ Daily Situation
Today’s weather in Trollandia surprised everyone… or actually, no one. Rain in the morning, drizzle later, then horizontal hail, and now — nonstop greyness.
The temperature rose by half a degree, which was declared proof of the upcoming global warming. The government advised immediate preparation of sunscreen and beach sunglasses.
☀️ Sponsored Advertisement
TROLLOSPF 5000 — Sunscreen for a sun that doesn’t exist!
Tested in caves, resistant to moisture, snow, and disappointment.
Buy today — use it when the sun finally arrives… in 2089?
🏛️ Voice of the Ministry of Climate
“I haven’t seen the sun since childhood. But I always carry sunscreen in my pocket, next to dried fish.”
— Miljødød, Minister of Climate
🎒 Social Programs and Culture
- Troll children who don’t remember the sun have classes in “imaginary sun drawing”.
- Cultural Minister Kulturfjern proposed organizing a “Festival of the First Ray” as soon as one appears.
- A special sensor team remains on standby — the first detected sunbeam will trigger a joy alarm.
✍️ Prepared by: TIPP – Prognostic Section
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
📡 TECHNICAL REPORT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF TROLLINNOVATION
TEST MODEL: “TROLL UNION DETECTOR 3.0”
Implementation date: Right after Snuttroll read the CO₂ emission standards.
Testing location: Deep valleys and plateaus of Trollandia, especially near trollish oil fields.
🧪 Device Description
The new Troll Union Detector 3.0, commonly called “Uniosyczek”, is designed to warn trolls of potential infiltration by “civilization”. It looks like an old radio with a mushroom-cap antenna. It is powered by anger, dissatisfaction, and… a buried barrel of oil.
🔊 Functions
- BEEPS when someone nearby:
- says the word “climate”,
- mentions “adjustment”,
- puts on a suit and says, “ladies and gentlemen”.
- HOWLS if it finds anything with an EU certificate in a troll home (e.g., an energy-saving bulb).
- VIBRATES when an inspector with an EU-funds brochure approaches.
🛠️ Issues Detected During Testing
- The detector confuses the word “union” with “swine”, causing an unpleasant incident during a barbecue in the Grøntmøkk Valley.
- At night, it glows blue and blinks golden stars — far too suspicious.
🧟♂️ Troll Reactions
Prime Minister Trollas Egotroll: “This is the technology of the future. Finally, we know who to fear before they knock on the door!”
Snuttroll (police): “Every patrol will get two units. One for the EU, one for mushrooms.”
Minister Grøntmøkk (agriculture): “The only device that signals danger from hybrid grain!”
✍️ Prepared by: Department of TrollInnovation
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
TECHNICAL REPORT NO. 42/ZZ-ELG/2025
TECHNICAL REPORT NO. 42/ZZ-ELG/2025
Product: Climate Hat “Green Deal”
Manufacturer: Ministry of Weather, Green Promises and Cricket Sounds
Prepared by: Troll Engineer Fikstøkk von Dyrt
General Description
The Climate Hat “Green Deal” is a groundbreaking invention designed to adjust troll cranial temperature to EU standards for the year 2099. The product includes multifunctional components that regulate mood, precipitation levels and guilt over CO₂ emissions.
Main Features
- Mini wind turbines — power the climate-correctness sensor.
- Solar panel — works only during a full moon.
- Moral alarm thermometer — beeps above 12.5°C.
- EU flag — pops out automatically upon detecting climate disobedience.
- Green feather — waves on its own when EU inspectors approach.
- Nettle-leaf folding umbrella — activated by “rain of optimism”.
Technical Limitations
- Does not work in actual sunlight (untested due to lack of conditions).
- Unsuitable for trolls showing signs of common sense.
- Causes local conscience overheating and sneezing of irony.
User Recommendations
- Wear publicly only during official marches “Toward the Little Light”.
- During rain, hold the hat upside down — it can collect up to 2 litres of water for propaganda use.
- Warning: when approaching the Swiss border, the hat emits the sound “Achtung! Neutrality!”.
✍️ Prepared by: Troll Engineer Fikstøkk von Dyrt
✅ Approved by: Editor-in-Chief of Trollandia
🔧 SUMMARY FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF TROLLINNOVATION
Trollandia continues to experiment, explore, and laugh at itself. Every new invention — from the civilization detector to the climate hat — proves one thing: even in a world full of absurdity, trolls still believe technology can be fun, useful, and delightfully crazy.
The Chief Chronicler of Trollandia announces that new technical reports may appear unexpectedly — whenever someone comes up with an idea even stranger than the previous ones. Until then, the laboratories of Trollinnovation will keep smoking, humming and blinking cheerfully in valleys filled with rain and ideas.
🔬 This is not the end — just a break for a trollish experiment.
Come back when ideas start sparkling again!