📜 Weather Report from Trollandia
Entered into the Chronicle of Trollandia – Part I
Risk level:
dependent on the number of cars,
not on snow,
not on ice,
not on people.
In Northern Trollandia
25 cm of snow – normal.
Snowing again.
Roads are passable.
So are thoughts.
Life goes on.
In the Central Region
25 cm of snow – acceptable.
We clear it.
Someone will be late.
Someone will not arrive.
No press conferences.
No charts.
In Southern Trollandia
25 cm of snow – national disaster.
Risk level: orange
Conferences. Announcements. Maps.
Snow experts
who have never touched snow.
The same road.
The same snow.
The same winter.
But different numbers.
📜 Weather Report from Trollandia
Archived version – condensed form
In Trollandia, the level of risk does not depend on snow, ice, or the number of people actually on the road, but on how many cars statistics expect to be there. Weather becomes a secondary factor as long as it can be translated into charts.
In the north, twenty-five centimeters of snow means winter; in the center, an inconvenience; in the south, a national emergency requiring press conferences, announcements, and shaded maps, although the road, the snow, and the season remain the same.
The differences appear only in the numbers. Where traffic is low, the risk is considered minimal. Where traffic is high, safety is declared a priority, regardless of actual conditions.
As a result, the lives of drivers in low-traffic areas are treated as less exposed, even though ice does not melt because of statistics and snow does not recognize decision thresholds set in tables.
Procedures function correctly because they respond to numbers, charts, and traffic volume, not to real danger. Common sense does not participate, as it is not listed as a measurable unit in official analyses.
Winter is recorded, roads are color-coded, people are counted, and safety is deemed sufficient where it is least visible in practice.
The report closes, the problem remains, until Golstrom raises the temperature and the snow melts, while the statistics remain untouched and ready for the next winter.
☔ TROLLANDIA – SPECIAL WEATHER REPORT
Date: 11 June 2025
Source: Trollandian Institute of Meteorology (TIM), Department of Satirical Forecasts
“If something falls in Trollandia, it is usually words, promises, or rain.”
🔵 REGNTROLLAND (Sunnmøre)
Temperature: 13°C (feels like 9°C)
Precipitation: steady rain, at times slanted.
Clouds: a spread-out cloak, like troll raincoats —
solid, grey and impossible to remove.
The region experiences continuous systemic humidity. Trolls move slowly, producing characteristic splashes, while meteorologists record steady rainfall in a bureaucratic rhythm — consistent but cheerless.
Additional information:
83% of trolls guided along the rain path.
17 cases of system twitching recorded upon hearing the phrase “heat wave”.
Authorities urge caution, rubber boots and patience — forecasts suggest the rain may continue until the climate is officially cancelled.
🌫 TÅKETROLLÅSENE (Fog Troll Hills)
Visibility: at most three troll-steps. Beyond that stretches a thick, grey silence that swallows sounds and leaves a faint chill behind.
Clouds: a uniform grey soup hanging low over the hills. At times it seems like steam from troll kettles that wandered off and cannot find its way home.
Trolls move only in groups, holding on to each other’s hoods so that no one disappears into the milky abyss. Authorities recommend calm, sharp reflexes, and thermoses filled with hot moss brew.
🔥 PROTESTSUPPEN (Protest Marshlands)
Weather turbulent, locally gusty — up to 30 km/h. Fragments of banners, wet leaflets and a hint of steam from heated debates drift through the air.
Locally: elevated temperature caused by chanted slogans. Trolls protest rhythmically, producing mild seismic vibrations in the marsh regions. Authorities reassure the public that this is “natural civic activity”.
Warning: possible site of future gatherings, meetings, and accidental mud baths in the name of democracy. Boots, distance and a sense of humour are recommended.
SNUTTROLLSKOG (Troll Police Forest)
Weather calm, yet clearly on patrol – the trees rustle as if filing reports, and the wind carries whispers about campfire inspections.
Locally, interrogations are underway about lighting fires in the forest. Snuttrolls check whether the flames were “strictly necessary for sausage grilling” or an attack on the order of the woods.
Trolls with megaphones have been spotted along the main paths. From time to time a message echoes: “Please remain calm, breathe quietly, and do not add wood without authorization.”
MILJØDØDSMARK (Environmental Death Plains)
The sun appears for four minutes a day – long enough to remind everyone it still exists, but too short to warm anything except the consciences of meteorologists.
The government announces the success of the “Basic Climate Warming” programme, which – according to the official statement – had no effect on meteorological reality. Citizens are asked to remain calm and, if possible, warm themselves with their own enthusiasm.
In the valleys the snow still lies, and the trolls have moved to the thermal springs, where they slowly adapt to the new condition known as “sustainable frost.”
GENERAL SITUATION IN TROLLANDIA
In a summer that feels more like March, it is recommended that trolls be equipped with:
- hats and gloves,
- a thermos of troll tea,
- instructions on how to interpret government heatwave advisories.
TIM Advisory:
“This is not global warming, just local troll cooling!
Beware of possible droughts or floods!”
🧌🔥 Miljødød’s Green Decree
Trollandia Chronicle • Trollberget • Recorded by Chief Chronicler Szybcik under the supervision of Pani Redaktor
“Whoever warms up becomes an enemy of the planet!” proclaimed Miljødød, the minister of climate and cold. Conversations froze on the square, and snow drifted down gently, as if unsure whether it was allowed to fall without permission.
Trolls in thick scarves exchanged bewildered glances. Fire – forbidden. Warmth – regulated. Only hope remained that tea had not yet been added to the emissions list. The minister, holding a megaphone, announced that from now on, one must warm oneself “spiritually.”
The Chronicle recorded it as a weather event: a front of ideological cold with gusts of absurdity reaching nine on the Miljødød scale. Trolls were advised to protect their common sense from drafts, distrust wind turbines, and keep wood dry — just in case.
Chronicler’s note: if an official asks about a fireplace, say it is a bookshelf. And if he asks why books — answer that they still keep the thoughts warm.
🌿 Fireplace – Crime, Import – Virtue
Chronicle of Trollandia • Cone Valley • Recorded by Chief Chronicler Szybcik
The valley smelled of wood and calm until it was announced that fire was harmful to the climate. Trolls extinguished their flames and began to freeze inwardly. Meanwhile, trucks arrived from a neighbouring country carrying coal – green, because it came with an invoice.
The ministry explained that imported smoke stains only the pockets of intermediaries, not the conscience. Thus a troll may not burn its own branches, but may warm itself morally while neighbours burn “clean coal certified as ecological hypocrisy.”
At the market it was whispered that if wood comes from Trollandia, it is guilty of emissions. But if it arrives by ship from another land – then, miraculously, it becomes “climate-neutral.” The trolls shrugged and wrote in the Chronicle: the difference between smoke and smoke – the customs border.
Chronicler’s note: in case of inspection, say the fireplace is used exclusively for burning ministry documents – they ignite best and smoke longest.
💨 Breathing Forbidden!
Chronicle of Trollandia • Forest below Trollberget • Recorded by Chief Chronicler Szybcik
The forest smelled of moss and freedom until a decree arrived stating that breathing harms the environment. From that day on, every troll had to carry a CO₂ emission certificate – valid for half an inhale and one exhale.
Patrols with megaphones appeared along the paths: “Inhale only on Mondays! Exhale every other day!” the law proclaimed. Old trolls tried to protest, but after the first sentence they were already out of air.
Among the trees stood a group of trolls wearing anti-smog masks, even though healthy green pines grew all around. One blew into a measuring tube, another held a banner reading “Stop Breathing!”, and the third – poor soul – fainted with pride for having done it for the planet.
Chronicler’s note: if an official catches you inhaling, say it is a quotation from poetry. Let him try to tell literature from bureaucracy.
🐉 The Chinese Dragon and the Trollandian Measuring Tape
Chronicle of Trollandia • Valley of Smoke • Recorded by Chief Chronicler Szybcik
A dragon from China appeared on the horizon — massive, metallic and extremely modern. It breathed out clouds of smoke, and the trolls from the Department of Measurement and Justification pulled out their tapes to determine how much of the smog could be attributed to the neighbours.
“Not our smoke!” the report stated when it turned out that the wind was blowing from the east. In the spirit of climate solidarity, it was decided simply not to look in that direction. Minister Miljødød praised the decision as an example of blind, yet green, courage.
The Chronicle added: the dragon smokes because that is its fate. But when trolls smash the thermometer to avoid seeing the heat, that’s no longer magic – it’s politics. And politics, as everyone knows, smokes worse than a dragon.
Chronicler’s note: if you want a clean conscience – never use a measuring tape. In Trollandia it is the only device that breaks from looking at the truth.
🪵 Think Instead of Freezing
Chronicle of Trollandia • Woodshed below Trollberget • Recorded by Chief Chronicler Szybcik
After all the decrees and alarms, the trolls did what they have done for generations: stacked the wood under shelter, checked the roof over their thoughts and the kettle over their hearts. Winter comes and goes, but common sense remains – if it has a place to live.
The opposition responded in true Trollandian fashion: “Do not panic, make provisions.” In the Chronicle we added: panic does not warm, and fear is a poor burner. What warms is the work of hands, the memory of ancestors, and the simple wisdom that says: do not trust another’s smoke when you have your own flame.
In the evening someone placed a samovar on the table and whispered: “Let propaganda smoke, but not the woodshed.” All nodded, for in Trollandia the greatest heresy is thinking aloud – and the greatest courage, thinking at all.
Chronicler’s note: if winter knocks too early, open your mind before the door. The fire will come by itself if you do not block its way with a regulation.
Entry from the Chronicle of Trollandia No. 112 • “Starry Alert”
📅 Date: sometime between dream and media madness
📍 Location: Trollandian Observatory in the Valley of Chirps
🪐 Event:
A pale wanderer from distant stars appeared in the sky, known to humans as 3I/ATLAS, but to trolls as “The Errant Stone of Silence”. Government experts insisted it was “nothing important, merely cosmic dust”. Forest trolls believed it heralded something immense awakening on the far side of the sky.
🔭 Observations:
At night, faint rumblings were heard from the mountains, and the water on the fjords trembled as if stroked by light. Trolls set up lanterns and traced the star paths, saying the sky had shifted and the wind carried a new song.
🧌 Social reactions:
- The government assures that “the situation is under control”, and if not, “a special committee will be formed to examine committees”.
- Forest trolls prepare moss binoculars and gather for night vigils.
- Young trolls paint star symbols on rocks, while elders hum old songs about the return of the “Green Ships of Light”.
🌠 Chronicle Conclusion:
The sky does not fall — it watches.
And those with pure hearts and open ears hear the interstellar dust say:
“Fear not — I come only to ask whether you still remember
that you are made of stars.”
Trolls, armed with lanterns and clean consciences, stood silent.
Some claimed it was a sign from ancient ancestors,
others — a new form of celestial surveillance.
The wiser simply noted:
“If something arrives from the stars, let it know
that Trollandia also has eyes. And memory.”