📜 Report 111/GM/2025
From the Archives of the Trollandian Police
REPORT NO.111/GM/2025 – REPORT OF LOST JOIE DE VIVRE
Date: Trollodnia, foggy day, time: unspecified
Received by: Skjoldtroll – electronic unit for triggering troll reactions
Submitted by: Life-Patrol Deputy – Division of Fjord News
Classification: Sparks of joy (unstable, evasive)
🧭 Incident Description
On the main clearing of Trollandia, a sequence of lost joy-sparks was observed — usually seen as shimmering motes defining the emotional aura of trolls. The sparks drifted aimlessly above the ground, clearly avoiding contact with patrols.
🛠️ Actions Taken
- Song “Smile of Trollandia” – partial effect; sparks reappeared only briefly.
- Fluorescent lantern – no reaction; object responds only to kindness and absurd humor.
- Mini-troll cookies – joy hovered above the pastries; no direct contact achieved.
📝 Officer’s Commentary
Loss of joie de vivre intensifies upon exposure to bureaucratic documents: queues and unreadable regulations have a strongly repellent effect.
Contact with young trolls increases spark activity by approx. 37%, posing a risk of unintended therapeutic benefits for children and youth.
📌 Recommendations
- Daily exposure to laughter, jokes, and fjord absurdities to reintegrate joy.
- Avoid overloading trolls with RF-77 forms and excessive fish-control procedures.
- Maintain access during the full troll moon.
📂 Case Status
Case remains open; residual joy has been reactivated. Follow-up ongoing. Further patrol actions available in cloud records and sunlight access logs.
Filed by: Stroler, Special Patrol of Joy Preservation
📜 Report 231/TP/2025
From the Archives of the Trollandian Police
🗂️ REPORT NO. 231/TP/2025 – WEBSITE FAILURE INCIDENT
Date: Trollodnia, foggy day, time unspecified
Received by: Snuttroll Officer, Division of Virtual Disturbances of Public Order
Reporter: Poet suspected of independent thinking
🧭 Description of the Incident
This morning a serious disruption of digital order occurred – the citizen’s website Trollandia.no ceased functioning. The reporter attempted to access her blog but encountered the message:
“The site may be damaged. Contact technical support.” (error 500)
The poet reacted calmly and artistically, which caused concern among the authorities. According to Decree 13/T — “Every malfunction may be an attempt at rebellion” — the Internet Troll Police Patrol was activated, remembering what happened in Nepau when the Internet was shut down.
🛠️ Actions Taken
- The scene was secured — i.e., the computer screen displaying error 500.
- The poet was questioned — statement obtained: “I don’t know what happened. I’m a poet, not an IT specialist.” (polite tone, suspiciously articulate).
- Technical support was summoned — unfortunately unavailable until Monday. The Trollish Duty Technician left an automated reply: “Contact us on a troll-morning after nine.”
📝 Officer’s Commentary
“Poets are dangerous. They write between the lines. They hide meaning inside metaphors. Their blogs are nests of semantic instability. This must not be ignored.”
📌 Recommendations
- The citizen should remain calm, continue writing in a notebook or .txt file, and refrain from ‘fixing anything herself’ to avoid an explosion of content.
- Until the website is restored – permission for alternative content: fairy tales, reports, and protest songs.
- Suggested creation of a temporary analogue blog-notebook (i.e., a real notebook).
📂 Case Status
The failure continues. The citizen – still free. The website – still dead. Report forwarded to the Ministry of Uncontrollable Content, Department of Rhymes and Rhyme-Like Forms.
Filed by: Snuttroll, Division of Virtual Disturbances of Public Order
🧾 Trollandian Police Report
Trollandia Gazette – Special Edition
Fines, chaos, and stories that could only happen in Trollandia
Last weekend, Trollandia’s roads turned into a full-scale troll-police arena. Fines fell like confetti, registration documents disappeared into the abysses of police vaults, and every troll who believed “the law doesn’t apply to me” was swiftly brought back to reality – or at least to the roadside.
🚗 Daredevil Troll from Foolshire – driving “by instinct”
No insurance, no roadworthiness inspection, and – worst of all – unlimited optimism. The Daredevil Troll insisted that “the car is magical and never breaks down”. After a brief consultation, officers agreed the car did look enchanted – mostly because it hadn’t moved in so long it refused to start. The registration was confiscated, and the driver was invited to a mandatory course: “Practical Troll Realism”.
🧾 Lady Trollusia and the game called EU Kontroll
Lady Trollusia from Trollberget admitted she left her documents at home because she thought “EU kontroll” was a new board game where you collect points for cleverness. The 500-troll-krona fine reminded her that Trollandia does indeed have rules – even if no one fully understands them. Her facial expressions and commentary were so priceless that one officer had to fight the urge to laugh – an occupational hazard in the troll police.
🍷 Commissioner FreeAsMe – “the law is only a suggestion”
A well-known freethinker and self-proclaimed member of “the secret action network” was detained after attempting to convince officers that “laws exist so you can disagree with them”. Officers later reported the scene resembled a soap opera more than an intervention: the Commissioner promised dancing, singing, even governmental reform, if only he could finish his glass. They refused. The vehicle was towed, and the Commissioner was left standing with a martyr’s pose and what remained of the beverage (semi-liquid) in his hand.
“Between the Paragraph and the Stick – How Trolls Explain Reality”
After the weekend road operation, police stations filled up with explanations balanced somewhere between magic and logic. The most common ones: “it was the spirit driving”, “the car is enchanted”, “the law hurts my eyes, so I don’t look at it.” One Snuttroll summed it up: “The forest of fantasy is beautiful. But the road has its own signs.”
🧙♂️ Selected gems from the reports
- “That wasn’t alcohol, it was courage syrup.”
- “I don’t have a driving licence because I’m an artist.”
- “No parking? I thought that applied to humans, not trolls with hearts of gold.”
🚓 Mood among the forces
Patrols reported heightened creativity among citizens, stable humour among officers, and a record number of times the word “please” was used. Working conclusion: more realism, fewer spells — especially behind the wheel.
📊 Action results
- Fines issued: 1,234 (and counting)
- Registration documents seized: over 200
- Trolls shouting “This is unfair!”: impossible to count
- Trolls who actually checked their insurance: a record-breaking 2
A troll who thinks it stands above the law is like a troll stealing the lighthouse from sea-sirens — sooner or later someone has to explain that the sea and the law both have moods of their own. Our advice: if you belong to the secret action network – check your insurance. And if you think “everything is allowed for you” – remember that a police officer has a notebook and very little patience for lies.
The Trollandian Police appeal for the use of common sense and carrying proper documents,
because, as the old Trollandian saying goes:
“Whoever has no papers will have a problem,
and whoever has a problem will have a report.”
🧌📜 TROLLANDIAN POLICE REPORT
Prime Minister Egotroll issued a decree on “Absolutely Highest Environmental Standards™”, surpassing the guidelines of UTE. From the day of the decree, every rustling leaf after 3:30 p.m. is classified as “unauthorized rustle activity” and subject to immediate inspection by the forest-acoustic patrol. 🌿🔍
- The “Silent Ear” unit entered the forest equipped with calibrated noise meters and certified sound-absorbing sponges.
- Mobile Troll Whisper Meters were installed next to every major oak.
- Trees rustling above 0.0001 dB were formally cautioned.
- Oak no. 47 refused to sign the protocol (“the wind made me do it”) – case referred to the Climate Tribunal.
- One beech was temporarily muted using biodegradable administrative foil.
“The standards are high, but silence has its price. Trees must adapt, just as the citizens of Trollandia adapt to the lack of logic in the government.” – Sgt. Tystlytt, forest noise specialist.
- Trees submit applications for rustle permits at least 14 days before any planned gust of wind.
- Forest birds practise mimic singing.
- The wind reports its presence in the forest via the portal AltTroll.no.
Ongoing – Prime Minister Egotroll has announced further reforms, including limiting moss to a thickness of 3 cm and mandatory licences for lichens. 🌿📑